Ever just know?

Last Sunday, our community of Jesus followers heard a message about 'The Land Between' and, at that moment in time, I couldn't really see myself in that place....but Daddy has a way of revealing what's going on inside by external pressures.
As of late, I've been feeling pressure/wrestling with whether or not to continue educating our sons at home..."Is it time, Father, to give them more than I'm able to give them?"  I've been sensing an internal pressure that's been revealing itself in my level of frustration, more with myself than them...
*sigh*...
Yet, when there is this pressure, the tendency is to begin meditating on me and what I see:  where I'm coming up short, my fears, their lack of training, and many other issues. 
Then there's MY desires, dreams, goals, mom and dad living with us, Jef and the youth drama, add to that the individuals Daddy God has been bringing into our life to love, encourage, share life with and minister to...the list goes on and on...(but I'm not complaining about them...)

Welcome to the Land Between...blurry and void of life, not much vegetation, fruit or color.

(As I write this, once again, I'm having a conversation about my expectations with Math in order to play the X Box later...*sigh*)

Yet, on Monday, when I began feeling intense pressure for answers, I noticed I'd been cleaning vigorously and it dawned on me what I was thinking about...ever just know it's time to direct your thoughts in a healthy direction because your house is a little too clean?
My Love was off that day, so I asked for his ear to listen...we headed to the only place in this home that's private...our room.
That's when the emotions began to spill out and I knew it was time to just PRAY!  Ever just know that letting loose isn't always the best answer?

WE prayed and that's when I saw what was happening...I was in the land between and the last thing I needed to do was fear, worry, fret, question or complain...
I took my focus off of me, my circumstances and the boys education and placed my focus on God!  He knows what my boys need better than I ever will...He wants me to trust Him with them and their future.  The breakthrough came in my thinking when I let go of trying to figure it out or get answers...it's really true that He is the answer!
I still have no knowledge of the upcoming school year, but that's not what I need.  I have an answer, the one I needed at that moment and for our future...to T R U S T.
There has been a 'peace beyond my own understanding' that is assurance enough that I'm headed out of that dry land and headed to a place flowing with milk and honey...

He drew me to these verses on Monday: 

'1 Tim. 1:5-The goal of my instruction is that all believer's will be filled with love that flows from a pure heart, a clear conscience and a sincere/genuine faith.'

'1 Tim. 1:19-Cling to your faith in Christ Jesus, and keep a clear conscience, for some have deliberately violated their conscience, as a result they've shipwrecked their faith.' 

Have you ever just known it's going to be ok AFTER you've let go and just trusted what you can't see? 

Cling to your faith in Christ Jesus...and begin to expect Him to lead you...He delights in demonstrating how BIG He is~

No more Spoon...

Motherhood has celebrated moments.

Mind you, it isn't because mom did something, but rather the child  did something:   

when they actually smile at you and it's not gas, this crawling baby maneuvers himself up off the floor and walks toward you; the first word, the first tooth popping through and when they begin to feed themselves. 

Right? 

Do you remember? 

We moms are so proud, beaming with joy as if we had something to do with it! 

Yet, we do.

We endured being a teething ring while they nursed at our breasts.

 We coaxed, encouraged, and cheered when they got back up from falling for the hundredth time.  We went to the ER with them to get their eyebrow stitched up after falling into the door frame-(this happened to Caleb at seven months.  It wasn't any fun and daddy actually went in with him...I was a wimp.)

When one of them said 'mommy' first, it was all because we drilled it into their heads!

Then one day they are handed a spoon and cheers resound as the food makes its way into the mouth, ears, and finally the hair! 

'You are such a big boy now!' 

We've turned a page and life will never be the same...

Sigh...

This happened here today.  No, I don't have any babies.  But I am a teacher and I've been coaching, coaxing, prodding, spoon feeding two young men for twelve years.

It was time to hand the spoon to them and walk away!

I believe I shared that we are using the Robinson Curriculum this year and began this past Tuesday morning. 

It's very different from anything we've used.

 One of the goals is for the child to be self taught, which I've always believed was possible, but really had no idea how to 'do' that. 

That's been a problem.

 

Actually, I've been the problem. 

I realized a while back that I like spoon feeding. 

(Painful confession right here, so pray for me!) 

As much as I want my sons to grow up, the truth, or rather the lie I should say, is that somehow I believed I was going to be the one to make that happen on my terms. 

They are and have been more than capable to handle difficult tasks but I felt it was my responsibility to 'remind' them over and over, all the while enabling them to use me as a crutch. 

Ouch! 

But God...

I have been pursuing Him in this role as mother to these two twelve yr. old boys and asking Him for help.  He not only has heard my prayers, but has been speaking loudly to my heart as to how to go about letting them grow up...

News flash...

KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, DAUNE!

So elementary, right? 

Sure, but to flesh that out today meant that I had to keep praying (for me!), remind myself of what God told me and walk out of the room in order to let this child sit at his 'high chair' and stare at his math book until he decided that he could learn the material BY HIMSELF!

At one point, I actually apologized for saying something to him after I told him I wouldn't!

The 'meal' was something different:  icky tasting graphs  he'd never tasted before and he wanted mom to help him 'eat' this mush by regurgitating it for him. 

Mr. Robinson speaks about this...he says just walk away and let them sit there until they decide they are going to learn it.  That sounded so 'harsh' at first reading, but now I see the value.

Anyway, after an hour and forty five minutes of him sitting, staring, sighing, laying his head on the book, telling me that the book isn't giving him any help in understanding what the words mean, telling me he prayed and it didn't work, etc., I encouraged him to keep reading it and suggested a dictionary might help him understand the words in the lesson.

He got three dictionaries:  Webster's 1828, a collegiate version and a children's dictionary.

 

I walked out of the room again, held my breath, prayed, walked back in, encouraged him that the words were, in fact, in the dictionary (he complained they weren't even in there!) and then left the room again...another sigh...from both of us!

As I walked back in the room and began to work on a new purse I've designed, he began to speak a little louder to himself about what the words meant...then he hollers, "I get it now!"

 

The light bulb went on and this infant child of mine picked up his spoon and began to feed himself. 

This momma is celebrating!  I bragged to everyone about what my 'baby' did today! 

Yet, I see this landmark moment as a test I passed. 

I grew up a little today and learned to trust my Daddy God with this child~! 

Will there be more tests? 

You betcha, but I am writing this post as well as continuing to pray for His power to flow in me in order to remember what He did today!

I give you, Lord Jesus, all the credit, power and glory for answering Caleb's prayer, my cries, and showing Yourself strong on our behalf.

How faithful You are.

I love you, Jesus.

A Child's Poem

The wind is soft,
The grass is low.
Beneath the sun of all our sorrows.

How long we wait for the day,
not a moment to waste before we sleigh.

Look now, oh friends!
For we have found our journey's end.


excerpt from Ch. 2, in a book being written by Caleb Smith ...the words just flowed from his lips to my ears as he asked, 'what do you think, mom?'
...speechless...

New Challenges and Adventures ahead!

My mom has been in the hospital since Sat. nite and the house just isn't the same with her gone.
She was complaining of hip pain that continued to intensify as the evening went along. I took her and dad over to the ER at about 9 pm and they finally admitted her at 4:30 am, Sunday morning.
When the Demoral didn't even touch the pain, they finally gave her something to sleep, so her bp would come down and she could actually rest.

The physician told her she could 'hold her liquor' when the meds wouldn't help....
She was much better, she told us, after we woke her Sunday at noontime.

She didn't even know she was in a regular room-that's how well the sleeping meds worked!

They could not get an IV in her arm and they tried about six different places (they could only use the right arm because of the fistula in her left). The doc finally tipped her upside down in bed and put it in her neck!

She has bruises all over her right arm.


They took an MRI Monday on her hip, but found nothing...today they took another one in different parts of her back because yesterday, when the doc touched parts of her back, she flinched.


(They can't seem to get a handle on the pain she's still experiencing.)

Her spirit is good in that she seems ok to still be in there.

She told me how they bring her a snack about 9 pm!

And she's directly across the hall from the nurse's station.
I was so impressed with her legs that I took a pix.

They've never been that skinny!

Not sure how happy she'd be with me for posting them.

******************************************************************************

Monday evening, we met with a young couple for premarital counseling...that was so refreshing and yet I felt this weight the whole time because I just spent two days searching for the leader's guide. God knows where it is, but as yet, I can't seem to hear Him tell me where it is. We'll probably have to buy another one before Monday.

School began Monday, as well.

We read a book about Washington Irving on Monday, and then on Tuesday, Caleb found an old book, from 1868, about Christopher Columbus sitting on the bookshelf written by Irving ! I knew I had that book, but hadn't paid attention to the author. It is definitely a stretch for all of us to comprehend the language, but I firmly believe their vocabulary is being built and their comprehension is definitely developing. I know mine is!

Our family has made a decision that we're going to get hens again in March, but this time ones that are ready to lay! It's legal in San Antonio to have five hens and a rooster, I believe, but there won't be a rooster to contend with this time. The last one we had liked to get into fights with me and my yellow plastic bat. I always won!

Our friends that bought the coop and hens from the ranch we lived on two years ago have expanded their 'flock', so we're heading out to Blanco then and getting six hens from them. This means that the boys will have a spring project of building a new coop, on a smaller scale, and educating themselves on what these 'babie's' will need.

Oh, on Saturday, we went to the country and picked up bags of horse manure for my garden for FREE. Then, yesterday, I picked up some books on gardening in Texas at the library...I'm doing it right this time! This will be my project with dad this spring. Actually, we're gonna till pretty soon...

I planted bulbs Josh gave me for Christmas out front and some chive seeds in pots.

Then, wanting to see things come up nearby, I planted some crocuses in pots, too! They're already coming up.

Imagine...January...

*******************************************************************************

These are just some of the every day things going on amidst the spiritual challenges that we are facing and winning...

...relationally between Jef and me.

Sometimes I forget how easy it is to only focus on what I see...yet, when tempers flare, conflicts arise and offenses are taken, I remember really quickly who is attacking and whose side I'm on. Every once and a while I literally hear the enemy attacking me through words that are spoken to me about my submission to Jef and why I don't stand up for myself and argue back or do my own thing...he's so sly...but I catch him and laugh because I know then that I'm exactly where I need to be, serving Jesus by serving my husband and submitting to him...

Another note I forgot to mention...Josh has temporarily moved in with us, too...he is saving to either buy a house or rent one. So, that adds to the mix one more person with a different lifestyle and choices. I see how I'm constantly having to readjust my ideas of things, look to Jesus for grace and walk in love...

Wow. Life is good and full and this year is hitting me full speed ahead...I'm hangin' on to You, Lord Jesus.