As we walked back to the parking lot at Sea World today, I watched as Dan and Caleb tossed a squishy ball back and forth and the tears begin to pool and drip down my cheeks. Dan is leaving us. As I sit here, they're pooling again, refusing to stop!
This is the second time today that salty stings of heartfelt sadness overwhelm me and I can't hold back the grief. I want to stop this road my soul has mistakenly taken-without any warning.
Earlier, as I sat waiting for all the boys to come back from a dizzying roller coaster ride, I watched: it semded like all around me, happy couples with little girls. 'How are my two little girls?' I miss them so much. I am totally emotionally overcome. Now, reaching out to a stranger and asking if I might hold their pudgy little girl because she reminds me of a juicy little red head over a fifteen hundred miles away might be just a little awkward and yet that is what I long to do; somehow, some way be near my girls, kiss their chubby cheeks, listen to their giggles, watch their antics and just bask in gramma-hood land.
In an instant, I am totally undone, a basket case of emotions.
So I attempt to breathe.
Cry, let it out, then wait.
Jesus, You are the Door. Help me, please!
Yet this ache is so deep and it always seems to slap me when I'm not paying attention, when life is moving along so smoothly.
Why does it always catch me unaware?
Kinda like the opossum that thinks our eggs should be his breakfast...the first day, I thought a hen might have broken her egg by stepping on it or something. But the next day, Caleb calls, 'Mom, you gotta come here. I have bad news.' You know that wave of 'something horrible has happened' that pours over you? That's what I felt and then, I'm sure because of the expression on my face, Caleb reassured me the 'girls' were all ok, but I HAD to come and see something...
We lift up the side door of the hen house roof, built so we can just reach in and take eggs. There, hiding under some hay in a nest box, is a very satisfied sleeping opossum! Two meals satisfied! We run, get dad, and he and the boy attempt to get it with a shovel...no luck. He got away and has tripped the three rat traps we've set up every day since!
Now that makes me angry. Opened that 'door' and a rascal is asleep!
Sometimes, life is like that...one gets caught off guard; a situation arises and the enemy of our soul is watching to see what he can take from us, particularly interested in the door that swings open, way too often, via our emotions, will, and mind-an open invitation to 'come in, sit down and have some tea!' What a rascal-whether it's an opossum, a moment of vulnerability, or another experience I had on Sunday morning...
Love had to work and Josh was going to take the boys and me to service. For some reason, I knew my mom was going to ask to go to church with me because dad wasn't going. That is not a problem, but I also knew that it would require more of me than I wanted to give this day. Dad was frustrated because he knew she only wanted to go to get out of the house, like that was a bad thing!
God and I had a little talk as I ironed my dress...
"God, is it selfish for me to not want to take mom to church today?"
Very dumb question to ask God because He already knew what my heart motive was-selfishness-and He let me hear myself, words spraying out like the steam from the iron removing the wrinkles in the daisy pattern of the dress I was ironing.
We arrive at church, everything is great. Then, my favorite song begins to play, I am so ready to pour out my heart and body in worship, when I feel a tug on the daisies, 'I need to go to the bathroom." Another opportunity to be robbed-or maybe not. Instant flashback to when the twins were little. It always seemed that they needed me when I was busy with 'something more important' than their needs.
So, as I'm wheeling her out of the sanctuary, the music is flowing, and my heart aches to be still in Daddy's presence; to lift my hands, pour out my heart and kiss His face. Immediately I sensed self pity attempting to rob me of the moment...this moment of testing my heart.
What good is it to worship Him if I don't love His child the way He would?
(Should be a no-brainer, right?)
The 'door' of my emotions was hinging at that moment on something bigger than just a song.
I shut the door-to her stall and stood in the doorway of the bathroom, swaying and worshipping Him there!
As the service ended, a sister leaned forward, hugged me and said, 'You're a good daughter.' Thank you, Jesus. I needed to hear that from You! He'd been watching all along.
The really cool thing is the word that Pastor Jeff shared.
Stop, Drop and Roll. (You'll have to listen for yourself!)
I am in awe of how Daddy keeps me. How He loves me, provides for me and hears my cries. I may not have my two little girls near me at this moment, but He has them. That's the joy I cling to for my strength. Dan leaving breaks my heart, but He holds my heart. He is bigger than this little world of mine. Dan is in His hands and He hears my prayers for our son. He holds him, though he may not feel it yet.
This is my fleshing out the reality that I am a child of God, wrapped in the arms of Love Himself and that these days of serving my mother and father are eternal seeds, a short growing season.
The opossum, well, I know we'll get him...my dad is a king rat catcher! They are smarter than rats, though. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy the journey.
God moments of gratitude for the past week...bunches of tomatoes safely tucked in and growing
beets, gorgeous deep purple eggplant, growing so effortlessly.
squash, green beans, strawberries, and gourds
delicate tendrils, always reaching heavenward
DQ as a treat after The Chinese Sunken Tea garden with my folks
walking to three yard sales with my boys on a Sat. morning before the sun baked us and getting a bunch of cool deals!
time spent with Dan at Sea World on Love's day off
watching the ski show alone with Love
happy boys on a day off from 'seat work'
a beautiful sunset at the park
a NO JOKE- 3 inch egg! It was a double yolker, too!
grappling with joy and beginning to see it working in me!
twelve foot high sunflowers
Love reading to me in bed
asking for the right words to write tonite! (I love to write and want to do it in a way that connects me to those who read!)
brave boys
Dan camping out in our backyard for the week before he leaves for
Buffalo, NY!
reading,
'Nick of Time' by Ted Bell, to the boys-a great adventure story
-(some swear words, but I don't read them!)
a conversation with my friend on our 'grey' hair that we keep coloring...and how we're not old!
Tammy Trent coming to my church and her inspiration; how Jesus flowed out of her and spoke to me about JOY! Plus getting to pray for/with her and some other ladies. It was wonderful gift for sure!
barefoot boys in the park
wildflowers
I join with
Ann in celebrating our gifts. You can stop over and join others in their gifts, too.
...And they depart on the anniversary of my mom's death.
