Love overcomes all pain

He cries daily.  

How does one take his mind off the obvious hole that cannot be filled since rolling over and touching her cool skin, running to turn on the light to see if it really is true? 

He mourns not waking in the night to kiss her just one more time, not giving her more flowers, the harsh words he used that week, saying, 'she's such a baby.' 

My heart aches for him.

That Friday, I took him to Lowes and we bought dirt. 

Lots of it. 

Just the week before, I'd gone to my sister's and gotten a bunch of rocks to make a garden and now I knew why. 

With emotions raw, we placed the rocks in the shape of a heart. 

This was for mom. 

A memorial to her. 

Dad cut into each bag with his keys and I poured each in a heap and kneeling, leveled the soil so we could plant each specific one we bought that she would like.

I knelt, tears blinding me. He stood, crying, and repeated, "Oh she would love this.  Right, Kathy?" 

When it was finished, I stood and we held each other and wept.  He placed the pinwheels all around because she LOVED them and would daily comment, "look how fast that one is going."

We left room for plants from her funeral service.  I've since put in three more plants.

It is beautiful. 

Like their love. 

Lasting almost fifty two years, overcoming the lie that they would have been better apart because she was so stubborn and he, an angry man.

He pulled his phone from his pocket and looked at the photos he'd taken of her. 

Then he would weep. 

Watching him grieve is heart wrenching, but he must. 

His best friend, gone forever. 

Never to make her toast with jelly.

Bring her tea.

Talk to her. 

Tell her he loves her.

He carries that phone with him everywhere...not to talk to anyone. 

Just to see her face.

It took four days before he would sleep in their bed. 

This is how I found him...

Only Jesus knows the depth of his pain. 

I can't fathom losing my best friend of thirty years.

Life is a breath.

Live intentionally.

Wordless Wednesday

There's No place like HOME

He cries, she smiles.  They embrace and all is well, even if there's an oxygen machine that hums all night long next to him. 

There, truly, is no place like being back in the arms of your sweetie, the woman that you've cared for for over fifty years.

There's been a dramatic change in the physical as well as the spiritual heart of this man.  One week in the hospital has given him new life to press forward, pursuing a deeper walk with the God of his youth.

To mom's delight, he arrived home Sat. evening.  (Notice the hat; she wears her hat in the house to stay warm!)
We thought he wasn't coming home until Sunday, but he really wanted to go to church and when the doctor gave the release, he was thrilled.

He IS on steroids, which causes him to talk incessantly and his emotions are raw because he's so grateful for the cleansing of God's spirit on his heart, which has produced constant tears of joy.

But he has to care for his physical heart and that means changes that are much more difficult to be grateful for.

Today, for example, he cried tears of sadness. The realization of not being able to do what he's always done weighed heavy on  his mind.  I brought up the subject of planting my garden this weekend and I regretted opening my mouth when I saw him choke up.  Playing in dirt is his favorite!  I reminded him that he's alive and yet, somehow, deep down, being alive is so much more than just breathing.

My heart ached for him.  Those words fell to the floor as they came from my lips:  yes, being alive is wonderful, but we have to figure out: 'What does that look like for you now, dad?'

Well, for starters, a taxi drive to Wal-Mart for their first visit in over a week!  Back to McDonald's, but not before he hopped on the motorized cart!


 He was happy, I was happy for him!

Sometimes Tea bags tear!

Early morning a couple days ago, after finding an organic tea bag in my desk drawer the previous day,

I softly tip-toed to the kitchen, anticipating solitude with a cup of peach deliciousness...

Then it happened...

In the rush of getting back to the solace of my room, I ripped open the packaging and it was too late: 

 the bag was torn...

I didn't have anymore herbal bags in the cupboard, despite my search for JUST ONE MORE BAG!

So, I did what any herbal hungry tea bag drinker would do...

I fixed the problem.

I almost felt like I won.  Won what, you may ask?  Well, I got my drink, and I somehow kept that clothespin out of my cup...not completely, but long enough that germs didn't have a chance to brew!







If you're just slightly curious as to why I'd post about my tea bag, let me tell you...

Life is like a tea bag...

delicate

needing a gentle touch

and... 

if simmered just the right amount of time,

DELICIOUS!

Sometimes, things in our life are torn, seemingly wasted.  Unexpected changes come and similarly to a torn tea bag, we could very easily just throw that bag away, not considering that perhaps the very circumstances we're facing are just opportunities to look with new eyes...
to taste and see that the Lord is good.

Since Sunday night, my dad has been in the hospital and the responsibility of caring completely for my mom, along with homeschooling meant that I needed to be better prepared.


Now, it's not like I've not done that before, but Sunday's message had been stirring in me and I'd been asking Daddy to reveal where I'd been 'faking it'...and the one area that I struggle most with is knowing the truth and yet tripping up in the same general area of joy in the journey as well as running this race by myself, and then when things don't go just like I think they should, losing my sense of reality...turning Dr. Jekyl into Mr. Hyde...

Monday night, as I dropped into bed, failure swept over me like a cold blanket, dripping with guilt for my impatience with the challenges I faced and frustration with the boys for being thirteen and 'don't they understand what I have to do here?'  A 'head banging' pity party was about to break out right there on my pillow...
But God, He has a way of  using the simplest things in our life to teach us about Him, His heart in matters that have eternal significance.

Joy comes in the morning...
His mercies are new every morning and boy, did I need to hear Him for this new day of challenges...

So, Tuesday morning, I loaded my breakfast plate with Bread from Heaven...

Paul writes:
" For I am afraid that when I come I won’t like what I find, and you won’t like my response. I am afraid that I will find quarreling, jealousy, anger, selfishness, slander, gossip, arrogance, and disorderly behavior." 
"Examine yourselves to see if your faith is genuine. Test yourselves. Surely you know that Jesus Christ is among you; if not, you have failed the test of genuine faith."   
2 Corinthians 12:20; 13:5-6

He already knew about these residual side effects of my humanity trying to choke His word and He lovingly rebuked me for each one. 

But for the blood of Jesus, I am hopeless. 

Because of the blood of Jesus, I am free.

 

Free to repent, free to love, to be loved and move forward in grace.

Should you be facing a 'tearing' in your life, or perhaps a stretching that you think,

"I can't do this.  I can't go on one more day"...

Get a tea bag, a slice of bread and sit in a quiet place listening, drinking in the Truth and eating His Word.

He is pursuing you. 

He knows you can't do it.

He gave His promise to change YOU, not necessarily your circumstances.

Having dad in the hospital has given me the opportunity to see things from his perspective...his everyday caring for mom, all the work involved in her care. 

My dad is my hero.

Join in with those who have habits that bring Life:

It's a Thursday...I am thankful.

Short synopsis of December 10th for all my family up north...

We don't have snow~just cool winds blowing and sunshine drifting in and out of the clouds.

Today I began to read "Cheaper By the Dozen" to the boys along with my niece and let me tell you-it's nothing like the movies. By far, it's much more interesting and inspiring. We knocked out four chapters and the giggles were abundant. Such a cute story so far.

While sitting at the computer attempting to write an email, I heard a 'thud' coming from outside and I knew it was a result of a child falling off the trampoline. My feet hit the floor and I ran as Jef followed behind me. There, on the ground, in tears, was my niece saying she couldn't feel her legs.

(She is quite the drama queen, although with the sound of the thud, it could have been true!)

Love ordered me to pray immediately cuz my hand was on her hip and side, so after I finished, she calmed down and she really did feel her legs, so we helped her up and brought her into the house. As she sat in the chair calming down, Isaac says, "I fell too!" That kind of broke up the moment and we laughed cuz here he was standing there like nothing had happened...

Praise God, she's fine, but my heartbeat took quite a while to slow back to a normal rate!

Then the phone began to make ear-splitting sounds, then made a very loud busy signal, so I called Time Warner and they're coming Sunday afternoon to fix the problem.

Then there's the missing glasses...mine and dad's! We are beginning to think that the water bugs here are far-sighted and are stealing them.

My highlight was my nephew running to me and saying he'll miss me as they headed home.

Oh, there was the medication problem that took a while to sort out with the WalMart pharmacy, the postal prescription people and the doctor's office...whew! It would be fine if dad didn't get his emotions all in a tizzy! It always turns out fine, it's just the process that is so taxing at times. I sense I'm growing in grace!

I uploaded pix from Nov. and Dec. tonite. As I reflected on all the changes we've walked through in the last two months, I am amazed. Things are finally settling down and almost all the boxes are unpacked, pictures on the walls and decorations throughout. We've even planned a 70's polyester themed New Year's Eve party. That ought to be an interesting night.

Thought I'd include a collage of my dad...enjoy! He's a trip.

Just looking at these makes me laugh and rejoice at the chance to spend every day of the rest of his life with him and mom...I'll post a collage of her soon, too!

Have a great weekend, in case I fail to get the chance to post...and, oh, would you drop me a comment? It would be nice to connect with all those readers out there that peruse but don't post...