Warmer weather has brought spring showers, crocus' blooming, and seedlings to my garden. The 'Garden of Eden', as my father has so dearly named the flower garden off the side yard, has been my place of solace, prayer and star gazing.
Dad bought a firepit and every day we've been burning twigs, logs and enjoying cooler evening temps.
I stare heavenward and dream of a place where there is no pain, separation, and where my Father watches tenderly over me and His kids everywhere.
The nite sky is so beautiful and tonite the moon was carved out perfectly.
Things have been very busy lately. I just finished a cute little girl reversible apron, kinda frilly, with a matching pot holder. That was a fun project I did in between planting beans, digging up weeds, raking leaves and homeschooling. All this amidst visiting mom in a rehab center. She just went back there last Wed., after leaving the hospital she was at for three days due to chest pains...we thought she'd had a heart attack and that gave me another scare...before that was the big fall. We've almost lost her twice in two weeks. This woman is resilient!
I've been asking myself how one prepares for death. Mom has been in and out of the hospital three times since January and each time, the protective 'guard' over my heart has been ripped off, exposing the weakening me, emotionally vulnerable. Only tonite did I realize how I've pulled back from her and when I realized that, I felt so sad I immediately called her and told her I loved her and we chatted about her return home, hopefully on Monday.
Sometimes, I think, people pull back unconsciously from those they love because the pain of drawing near to that person intensifies the reality that when the one they love is gone, they're left with a hole and who wants a hole in their heart?
Jef and I are in a skit that he wrote this coming Sunday (that means we do the same skit four times!-once is a run through)...we've been practicing today and my dad thought we were really arguing. He had quite a laugh.
Much struggling went with being in it because my Love originally told me he was looking for someone else to play the woman part due to our life now, but then he couldn't find anyone and on Tuesday he asked me---six days before we're to perform!
I fought with God over that one in vain...
(p.m.s.-ing big time!)
Every day He is drawing out these screwy thoughts...
...like life is all about me, right?
Thankfully, He doesn't pull them all out at once or I think I'd crumble to pieces!
I would that I had more time to devote to blogging, but this season is one of sacrificing my time for others and so, if you're reading and you've been wondering if I'm ok, just know that I'm being refined in ways I never dreamed and when I come to mind, please pray for me.
Oh, Jesus, please don't ever stop unscrewing my screwy thoughts, chip away all of me and fill me with Your love; make my desires Your desires and when death comes to those I love, fill me deeper with Your grace so Your power flows from me to those around me... Jesus, I need more of You.