A Battle Plan that is always sure

He lashes out venemously hurtful words while I stand there in shock, listening to poison spewing from lips that  kissed me good night as a little girl.  He'd bottled his opinions long enough and now was just as good a time as any to pour them out like hot lava, burning my heart. I stand there, unable to move, yet ready to strike back.  But I catch myself.

This is very familiar.  I've been here before.  Attacks on my parenting, my ability to mother, worth as a wife, a human being.  Is this a dream?  Why is this happening?  What is going on here? Who is at work here and how do I fight 'this', not him?

These questions swirl around in my head as I stare, dumbfounded.  I'd been writing a letter to Mino, in prison, encouraging him to run the race and win the fight.  When I finally sit back down to type my letter, I see it! 

The battle. 

Not two days before, he verbally attacked me from the back seat for driving over the curb on the way out of the driveway:  "You're somethin' else."  Words stabbing my self worth and assaulting my value.  They flowed so smoothly, almost like he was joking, but the disgust in his voice made it very clear he was not kidding.  Just the usual criticism for not driving the way HE drives or caring about the shocks the way he does.  "Do I take your camera and drop it on the ground?" "Why can't you remember?  You've driven my car for how long now?"  Fiery darts aimed straight into my heart. 

I literally feel defensiveness, anger about to boil out from deep within and yet I know that arguing never solves ANYTHING.  I remind him that I have just a 'few' things on my mind and that,  'No, I didn't think of the curb at that second.'

It was almost as though the boxing bell has rung and I can pick up my gloves or lay them down.
Defend myself or humbly apologize? 

"For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places."  Ephesians 6:12

Words.

How flippantly they are given passage, wounding hearts and damaging relationships. 

"Life and death are in the power of the tongue and those who love it will eat its fruit."                                                                                      Proverbs 18:21

But God.  He's in love with me.  He knows all my faults and He still loves me...better than that, He LIKES ME.  He doesn't jump down my throat with His word for messing up again about so many different things. 

Hiding in the bathroom, balling my eyes out, I listen across airwaves as my Love gives me Truth.    Raising the Sword of the Spirit, he wields a mighty blow to the forces of darkness, piercing lies with the Word.  We say goodbye and I head back to work. 

About fifteen minutes later, dad walks into the den and asks me if I was mad at him for what he said.  'No, I'm not mad at you.  I am hurt."  He begins to defend himself and once again the attacks start all over.  He says he needs to keep his mouth shut, but he goes on and on.

An hour passes.

He takes mom out for their daily grocery store visit and I go to bed. With head pounding, heart bleeding and my emotions raw, I hide my head under the pillow and doze off for about twenty minutes.  As I'm waking up, I  hear myself praying and the weight of oppression fleeing.  I hear the declarations, 'You, God, are worthy.  I love you, trust you.  You are my refuge, my hiding place.  I worship You.' 

I feel refreshed. 

Weights are gone.

 I am free.

I do not win the battles around me by being sucked in by my emotions, looking at my struggles with eyes of flesh.  I fight the battles of my life by worshipping and I am always worshipping something or Someone.  Accusation, criticism and anger: vicious weapons dipped in poison used against me to force me to bow.  And what I bow to determines whether I win or lose this round... 

"...God’s power is working in us. We use the weapons of righteousness in the right hand for attack and the left hand for defense."  2 Cor. 6:7

My dad isn't the enemy, nor is he my enemy. 

He's my father and I love him. 

There is no need to defend myself.   He isn't the standard that I have to live up to.  The standard is Love and love endures every circumstance. 

Love conquered the enemy.

Love never fails.  

HA!

I win every time I turn my gaze toward Him and worship Him as my Lord. 

I win because He loved me first. 

I win these skirmishes every time I arrest the lies that attempt to discourage and slap me around.

And yes, I am 'somethin' else! 

A gift.