June 28, 2008


Do migraines come as a result of just hormonal changes? Might they come and linger for four days due to a hardened, stubborn heart? One resistant to the truth that there is self-pity rooted deeply and it's so debilitating that one can't function in any capacity? Yeah, it's true...

Thursday morning, I woke for the third day with a migraine that had been prayed for by everyone who knew I had one...and still, it persisted. Medicine wasn't touching this pain. Pain behind the left eye and my heart becoming more angry (God forbid I would ever get angry) at my Daddy for His distance and yet, when I asked flat out, "WHY HAVEN'T YOU HEARD? WHERE ARE YOU? EVERYONE HAS PRAYED; I BELIEVE, BUT I'M TIRED AND DON'T WANT TO FIGHT THIS ANYMORE."

Then the answer comes...two words...neither of which make sense at first.


I don't want to go there..."Lord, I've dealt with self-pity already," or so I thought.

How is self-pity debilitating? Let's see...I allowed lies to penetrate my heart, taking the elevator to the bottom dungeon floor, tolerated the chains, despite the severe pain I was in and decided that it's got to be someone else's fault that I was in chains like this and yet I pushed the DOWN button, all the while Jesus had been trying to speak to my heart about the root of the pain.
None of this made sense until a sister spoke about our hearts at the Friday morning Bible Study and the Holy Spirit revealed that I'd allowed this darkness to soil my own heart. I'd grown weary of everyone praying and nothing changing...but when I opened my mouth and expressed how hurt I'd felt about my unmet expectations-('don't just pray for me, help me...come over, show me you really love me, etc') from my sisters and, in my opinion, shallowness of the relationships with each of them, the lie and self-pity was exposed...I saw that I cannot put my trust in people, nor can I put expectations on others that they cannot fulfill or that are unrealistic or they're unaware of. In my desire for intimate relationships with others, I'd misunderstood and become bitter and hardened.
BUT GOD!...when I confessed my sin, exposed myself to Him and my sisters, that thing, that deomonic stronghold of pain and separation from my Father was broken off of me...I literally felt that thing go and I knew that I'd been set free...He is my health, peace, provision...
Proverbs 28:13 (NLT)
People who cover over their sins will not prosper. But if they confess and forsake them, they will receive mercy.

Which brings me to my point about friendships. What are they? What do they look like? How are they fleshed out? What is really expected from a friendship or any intimate relationship?
Do I have a friend so she can give me what I think I need?
Is it 'self-serving?'
Funny term, eh? Self....any time self is at the core of any relationship, there will be not only unmet needs, expectations and such, but it becomes idolatry.

That migraine did not leave because I was looking for someone other than Jesus to meet my needs. Yes, I need to be friendly and have a close friend, but what can another person possibly give me? Stroke my flesh? Commiserate with me? Is that what friendship is all about? Sounds rather shallow...

These are such tough questions that I'd rather not have to look at, but I am so desirous of never taking that elevator to that dungeon again. It's lonely, dark, and extremely painful there and the blood that my Saviour spilled so I can walk in the light is way too precious.

Putting flesh in relationships: Connection. Vulnerability. Trust. Confidence. Communication. Laughter. Time spent together and treasured. Correction. Intimacy. Confrontation. Disappointment. Mutual desires, interests. Emotions. Disagreements. Arguing. Restoration. Forgiveness. Accountability...I know the list goes on! But at the core is Jesus because otherwise I believe, one can only go so deep...and I hate superficial relationships. Always have, always will.

Friendship is defined in the Old Testament as:

ra`ah, raw-aw'; a primitive root; to tend a flock, i.e. pasture it; intransitive to graze (literal or figurative); generally to rule; by extensive to associate with (as a friend) :- × break, companion, keep company with, devour, eat up, evil entreat, feed, use as a friend, make friendship with, herdman, keep [sheep] (-er), pastor, + shearing house, shepherd, wander, waste.

As well as:

'ahab, aw-hab'; or 'aheb, aw-habe'; a primitive root; to have affection for (sexually or otherwise) :- (be-) love (-d, -ly, -r), like, friend.

Isaiah 41:8 (KJV) But thou, Israel, art my servant, Jacob whom I have chosen, the seed of Abraham my friend. Sounds like a deeper friendship or perhaps just a different type.

More Scriptures on friendship:

Proverbs 18:24 (KJV)
Proverbs 27:6 (KJV)
Proverbs 27:9 (KJV)
Proverbs 27:17 (KJV)

In the New Testament it's:

philos, fee'-los; properly dear, i.e. a friend; active fond, i.e. friendly (still as a noun, an associate, neighbor, etc.) :- friend.

The term-"active fond"...appears that it's a verb...not a mental thing, but rather a living, breathing, active choice that one makes. Purposeful.

...and even in all this, I come up so short and feel that I'm still not touching the real meaning...I find, tho, that it's the beginning of delving deeper into Him. Help me, Lord.

Sidenote: This is an awesome book on brothers...they set examples of friendship....especially twins...:

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